Money on my Mind
Geplaatst op 15-06-2026
Categorie: Lifestyle
I’ve got a date with a girl next week, and I’m really excited about it. We met in the fabric softener aisle at the grocery store — I prowl for women there because I think the implication that I do my own laundry makes me look sensitive.
Anyway, I’m taking her out to dinner, and I’m not sure what to do when the bill comes. You caution against spending more than the cost of a moderately-priced VHS tape on a date in your level 16 eBook, Cheap Trick: Dating for Less with Jimmy Suede, but I feel obligated to pay since I invited her out. What’s the verdict, Jimmy — should I pick up the check?
You rule!
Jason from Detroit
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Good thinking regarding the fabric softener aisle. Since I almost exclusively eat fast food, I hadn’t considered the grocery store as a potential spot for pick-ups.
But I can’t say that I’m impressed with your perspective on paying for dates. Should I start paying for women’s videos when I’m behind them in line at Blockbuster? What about the woman in the toll booth who wished me a Merry Christmas last month — should I cover her rent? Maybe I’ll offer a scholarship to the co-ed whose window I look into with my telescope on clear nights.
Paying for dates is for chumps. If this woman entertains you with magic tricks or bebop jazz on your date, then sure — spring for dinner. Otherwise, you’re shelling out your hard-earned dough to hear her drone on about subjects that you have absolutely no interest in, like her family and aspirations and career. If there was a free meal in it for me, I wouldn’t think twice about making some poor sap take me out and listen to my thoughts on the Iraq war. I might even let him buy me dessert.
You’ve got to reframe the scenario, Jason. You are the prize. You are the one with fascinating stories and intriguing ideas. Do you know how many women I’ve been out with that had never considered that the moon landing was fake? Or that investing in gold bullion is the only way to protect your money if the US goes to war with China? I’ll give you a hint: It’s way more than the number of dates I’ve paid for.
When the check comes, remind this woman that most waiters live off of tips and head to the bathroom. Or better yet, compliment the exquisite taste she exhibited by accepting a date with you. If dinner went really well, tell her that you won’t even ask her to chip in for her share of gas money. You have to let this woman know that you were doing her a favor by spending time with her. You gave her a fantastic opportunity by asking her out, and she took you up on it. If you ask me, she’s already ahead.
Why do you think women find me irresistible, Jason? It could be my Iroc-Z Camaro or my doomsday-stash of gold coins, but it’s more than likely my attitude. I have convinced myself that I have something to offer women, and I don’t listen to the countless people who constantly tell me otherwise. Your misguided understanding of who should pay for dates is symptomatic of a bigger problem — you’ve put women on a pedestal.
The next time you ask a woman on a date, present it as her big break. Use the kind of verbiage you see in junk mail — tell her that the offer expires after 30 seconds, and let her know that you’ll immediately move onto another candidate if she declines. Wear brightly colored clothing and make use of the phrases “too good to be true” and “once-in-a-lifetime.” Give her a fake check for $10,000 with her name written on it.
Stop acting as if you’re not worthy of dating women. Once you realize that your company is the only thing you need to bribe a woman with to get a date, you’ll be able to save your money for things that you’re actually interested in. When it comes down to it, Jason, you’re better off hording gold than dropping $20 on a movie for two.